The Entertainment Software Association (ESA) today announced that it has officially canceled plans for E3 2022, and it will neither take place as a physical nor a digital event. However, the company provided a slight bit of relief, as it plans to make a limited edition “E3 In a Box” available for purchase this June.
Available for $59.99 plus $19.99 shipping, the box contains everything that would make someone feel the rush of the Electronic Entertainment Expo in a box.
“We’re all about authenticity,” said Stanley Pierre-Louis, president, and CEO of the ESA. “We’re just as disappointed as you that an event isn’t happening this year, either digitally or in person. But we’re not going to let the event pass by without celebrating it in our own special way.”
What’s In the Box?
The “E3 In a Box” package will come with the following items:
- A pair of worn-out Dr. Scholls’ insoles for use inside your shoes, so you can feel your feet getting sore after walking around
- A set of five stink bombs, which you can drop at your leisure to replicate the smell of unshowered E3 attendees
- An official E3 press pass from the year 2020, promising “a bold new vision” of the show, complete with a revamped logo
- An old can of Red Bull and a Hostess Ho-Ho cake, to eat when you’re traveling between fake appointments
- A t-shirt that reads “Swag, I’m Here For It” in bold red letters on white print, but in a smaller size than what you order
- An empty container of hand sanitizer
- A press release for an obscure Japanese dating game that came out in 2007, but without translation
- A Polaroid picture of a dude in a homemade Dante’s Inferno cosplay
- An invite for Jamie Kennedy to come to your house and speak drunkenly for an hour on the benefits of Call of Duty: Ghosts (airfare not included, and must sign a waiver)
- An old Gamecock hat, to remind you that they haven’t been around for years
- A half-eaten hot dog and a cup of stale beer (or root beer, depending on the purchaser’s age)
Benefits For All, Particularly Jamie Kennedy
“With E3 In a Box,” said Pierre-Louis. “We’re hoping that fans will continue to enjoy everything that the show is about, but for a fraction of the price. And what’s more, we can do this yearly if it’s popular enough, so people really feel like they never left E3!”
Kennedy, who exclusively signed on with the program, showed excitement for it. “E3 In a Box is everything I could’ve hoped for,” he said. “I haven’t been this excited to work since the fourth Tremors movie. I will need a couch to sleep on, though.”
For an extra fee of $200, Kennedy will also dress up as his character from Malibu’s Most Wanted and trash a piece of selected furniture within a gamer’s home. “It’s just like the real deal!” he said. “Aight?!”
As for whether E3 will return, Pierre-Louis stayed mum for now. “The goal here is to bring back a feeling of E3 this year. And what better way to do that than to order the E3 In a Box and relive the feeling of having Jamie Kennedy pee in your yard?”
“He’s right,” Kennedy added with a laugh.
You can order the E3 In a Box exclusively on this website. Hurry, supplies are limited! Be sure to ask for April Fools.
Want more gaming fun? Relive the awesomeness of Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath!
